You're In A Cult

We are sorry to inform you that you are in a cult. This must come as a bit of a shock. Your first instinct will no doubt be to recoil in denial. “Me? In a cult? Absolutely not!” We must unfortunately insist. It’s okay though, you had no choice. You were born to parents who started your indoctrination from day one. And, perhaps even more insidious, the cult has been watered-down from its original form, in order to retain members. Thus, the signs and scars created by your cult are subtler than those one might otherwise expect.

Like it or not though, the cult has left noticeable marks on you. In fact, that's how we identified you. You can think of this place as a sort of recovery and rehabilitation center. Our patients come from cults of all shapes and sizes, and we are well-versed in de-programming and societal re-entry techniques for each and every one of them. Perhaps most importantly, you will not be forced to avoid the cult afterwards. If, after making it through our program, you desire to return, we will not stop you. We only ask that if you do, you keep us in mind if any of your fellow cult members express a desire to escape, or even a mere curiosity about the world outside of their community.

Upon completion of our rehabilitation program, we can help connect you with people to help you with your further journey. One of the hallmark tactics of a cult is to isolate you from the rest of the world. They make you depend solely on others within the community for your every need, thus making it extremely difficult to leave. We have partnerships with organizations that can connect you to schooling, work, housing, and medical care. The best part is, even if you do choose to return to your cult at any point after our program, these contacts are yours to keep, should you ever change your mind in the future. You are also welcome to request these contacts at any time during your stay here. Completion of the program is not a prerequisite for receiving the contacts

You will experience unpleasant feelings here. Feelings your cult has told you are of the devil. These feelings are in fact something called “cognitive dissonance,” and they are a result of repeatedly being confronted with information that conflicts with almost everything that you have previously been told. Unlike your cult, we encourage you to feel these feelings to their fullest if at all possible. The presence of these feelings actually indicates progress through our program. However, we are not an organization that believes in unnecessary suffering. If these feelings ever get too much to handle, simply press the red button on the device on your wrist, and you will be relieved of these feelings for a two hour time period. We encourage you to refrain from over-using this button, as it is important that you experience cognitive dissonance, as uncomfortable as it can be. By the end of your time here, you most likely won’t need the red button at all.

During your stay here, you don’t need to worry about any basic necessities. Want food? Press the green button on your wrist device, and the meal of your choosing will be prepared for you. Additionally, because this will be an extraordinarily stressful time for you, we recommend getting some exercise each day, if you can. Even if it’s just a twenty minute walk. Our various exercise areas will be shown to you later during orientation, including our spacious outdoor park. You are also welcome to feed, pet, and generally take care of the various cats and dogs that wander the premises. They are specially trained as companion animals and are here to make you feel better and, hopefully, lift your mood.

Visits are not only permitted, but encouraged. You are also free to leave at any time. This is not a prison. Again, the only thing we ask is that you keep us in mind should you encounter any in your community with a desire to leave. Furthermore, completing our program is not a guarantee for happiness. As the saying goes, the truth will set you free. It does not make you happy. Part of our program involves exposing you to the idea that there are very rarely easy answers in life. People suffer for no reason. You will suffer, and have suffered, for no reason. But people can also do great things for no reason, or rather unmotivated by some promise of godly exaltation or gift in a theoretical afterlife. We find this knowledge empowering, but understand that perhaps not all would draw the same conclusion.

Orientation is at 17:30. If you do not show up, we will assume you chose against our program and returned to your community.

We do hope to see you there.

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