You
I often think about you. I miss you. I wish I could watch you grow up. I swear I never intended for your life to be like this. I guess that’s the problem though, I never intended, period. Of course, I intended for you to exist, to love you, to care for you, but I never really had a bigger plan outside of that. As much as I like to make fun of the people who plan ad nauseum, perhaps had I done the same, things would be different. Such lines of thinking are, of course, useless, but I seem to wind up with such thoughts tossing about in my head despite my acute awareness of their irrationality.
Despite my best efforts and those of others assisting me, it feels at the current moment as if I am slowly losing what little relationship I had with you. I wonder how you must feel, being thrust into the complicated world of fraught adult alienation at an age where your biggest concern should be which toy you are going to play with next. Do you have any inkling of what’s really going on? I hope not. One of the thoughts that I sometimes think to get through the night is that maybe this is all just a game to you. That not having me around nearly at all in the present moment is no greater a loss to you than losing a round of uno, a card game I’m told you are a big fan of now. I hope that you are experiencing little pain, if at all, because of the situation I have placed you in.
I hope that whatever you choose in life, you choose it because it's out of a personal desire and not what you feel compelled to do. Making parents happy is fine, and a nice bonus if doing so happens to coincidentally align with your own goals and aspirations, but is by no means a requirement or something one ought to strive for as a primary motivator. In fact, I would argue that you’re not really living if you don’t make me mad or worried at least a few times. It’s been four months since I've been able to see you for any amount of time greater than two hours, and these four months have been excruciatingly long in some senses, and fleetingly short in others. Long, because the passing of days until some sort of resolution to the current predicament seems to drip like molasses. Short, because every moment I don’t get to experience together with you now is one that I will never be able to reclaim.
Do you like the town where you live? I want so much to show you more of where I live. I think you would like it here, even if it was only for a visit. The trains, the boats, the hustling, bustling rhythm of millions of people going about their business. There is so much to discover here, so much to experience. I don’t want to be too hopeful, but I still dream of the ability to show you around and gently guide you as you experience whatever you want. Of course, boundaries have their place and purpose, but I often think we rashly erect walls and rules solely due to fear. I suggest you break the rules and knock down some walls while you’re here.
I’m so focused on being a part of your life that I’m not sure what I’ll do if this is not possible, at least for the time being. Not in the sense that I’ll do anything drastic or attempt to take myself out of this world. But I will feel lost. I want you to know that even should I not be able to be part of your life for now, that I love you. I love you more than anyone or anything in this world. I’ll always be rooting for your happiness and success from wherever I might be. You are the single greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I have longed since the day you came into my life to be a bigger part of yours. I’m so utterly sorry that I haven’t been able to achieve this as of yet. I’m glad you have people in your life who are close to you and to whom you are close. I am beyond ecstatic that you exist. Your laughter fills up rooms and lights up even the heaviest of hearts. I will always hold you in my heart, even if I can’t hold you in my arms.