Lost Time
In just four short days I’ll see you again. It’s been too long, but it’s nobody’s fault. She wasn’t working during the holidays which meant you and I could not see each other. After that, you were on vacation in the north. Of course, I called you as always twice a week to say hi, show you trains, and see how you were doing. Sometimes you weren’t really in the mood to talk, which I can understand. Other times, you asked many questions and, one time, we even talked for almost eighteen minutes, which is definitely a record for us. Whether our calls were one minute or eighteen, I enjoyed each and every one.
Tomorrow I’m going to the toy store to buy presents. To be honest, I plan on going all out. Right now I don’t see you that often, so I hope you’ll forgive me if, when I do, there are many presents. Your birthday and Christmas both happened between the last time we saw each other and now. You told me about some of the presents you got for those occasions, so I hope I don’t end up getting you something you already have. If I do, I’ll have no way of knowing until it’s too late. I’m also wondering about getting you a card, even though such a thing most likely holds no interest for you at your age.
I suppose I long for there to be some sort of objective record that I do indeed love you, that I do care for you. That I’m not a cold indifferent person who can’t be bothered to spend more time with you. I’m not perfect either, of course. Far from it. I waited way too long to advocate for more time with you. So long that certain dynamics became the de-facto norm, a norm which has been painstakingly difficult to break. But I’m doing my best. Physical objects are of course not a true manifestation of love, but I have no control over my time with you at the moment. Thus, gifts are one of the few ways in which I hope to express that which is too complicated to impart to you with words for the time being.
Some part of me hesitates to get you too many gifts. Or rather, what could be perceived as too many gifts. In the past, I have been accused of somehow trying to “buy” you by simply giving you gifts regularly. This, as explained previously, is not my intention. I do, of course, find immense joy in watching you open the gift or gifts I bring with me each time I visit, and you seem to genuinely enjoy opening and playing with them. I’m honestly not quite sure what I’ll bring you this time, but I hope you’ll like it.
I hope that in the near future the limitations surrounding the time we spend together will be removed, so that I no longer have to rely on a few meager hours a month to hold on to some sort of connection with you. That being said, the few hours I do have are the happiest I am the entire month. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you, what kind of complicated feelings and thoughts you must experience.
When I was your age, my biggest concern was whether or not I would be able to see Tom and Jerry on T.V. that afternoon, or if we would be lucky enough to stop by Mcdonald’s for some french fries. I am aware that as much as I would like to, I cannot spare you from pain and challenge. I wish with all my heart that you were not facing such complicated circumstances at such a young age. I marvel at the remarkable development and growth you achieve despite such difficulties, whose cause you have absolutely no control over.
This week, if precedent holds, we should get to spend at least four to five hours together. I can’t wait. I’m not yet sure of the exact time of day, but I imagine it will likely be in the afternoon. Perhaps you’ll even be interested in having me make you some dinner this time, and you can be sure that I’ll have sweets and chocolates for you. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world, and I always will. Whatever you choose, whoever you become, I will always support you, I will always have your back. Maybe this year I’ll have more chances to express these feelings through actions. For now though, I’m buying you way too many presents tomorrow, wrapping them up, and bringing them to you at the end of the week.