By A Thread
Apologies, my post this week was written directly after a very emotional event and is mostly just incoherent stream of consciousness rambling. The feelings contained therein are real, however.
How am I supposed to deal with this? More than that, how are you supposed to deal with this? I see your tears on the screen and I can’t do anything. You are being made to suffer because of a few adults who act like children. They punish you and make you feel like you are doing something wrong by talking to me. I hate them. I hate them so much. It is not your fault that they, and above all that she never learned to deal with her trauma. I don’t really believe she views people as people, but rather as objects which she must try and control.
This is why, for example, she has so few friends and acquaintances. She is never truly at peace, her mind is broken, but that is not your fault. And having a broken mind is not a free pass to treat people like dirt and crush their spirits under her feet. She is a sad, cold, bitter woman. I don’t really know why, her children and her husband live their entire lives to please her. She has somehow convinced them that doing so is a privilege. She is angry at me and taking it out on you. I would give everything to protect you from her, or at least protect you from her misdirected wrath which is actually meant for me.
I just want to be in your life, and she is working her hardest to make sure that me being in your life feels wrong. You went to them to feel safe and because I was on the opposite side of the screen they sent you away in anger. My heart feels like it’s going to give out. I keep replaying that scene in my mind, you sniffling alone in the living room after being harshly sent away by her. What agony it must be for you. You are just a kid. You are innocent. You are being used as a pawn and an object by her. I am not blameless by any stretch of the imagination, in that I am still attempting to be in your life, but what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to give up? Just lay down and accept that I won’t be part of your life for years? That you’ll be told stories about me that are completely false? Will you ever want to know me?
Am I going to explode? What am I supposed to do with these emotions? I can’t be expected to keep them in but letting them out rarely feels good. It is like spewing black toxic sludge into the atmosphere and all those around me. Afterwards I never feel good, and those around me feel worse and depressed. It seems like a lose-lose situation. I felt like the acute therapy helped, but in a sense it was also just someone listening. I can’t. I’m hanging by a thread. I’m hanging by less than a thread.
I do my damndest to not look down and realize that the ground underneath my feet barely exists. Like in those old cartoons where the character can walk on air until they realize that there is no ground underneath their feet, I somehow carry on by focusing on the pointless minutia of the day. Lately I’ve been looking to weed instead of alcohol for some semblance of comfort. Weed though, as opposed to alcohol, is an unreliable mistress. Whereas alcohol always reliably turns off my brain, and reliably makes me feel like shit the next day, weed sometimes makes me feel like I’m floating on clouds, and at others pulls me into a dark cave where all I want to do is get out.
Fuck you God. Fuck you for being invented by weak men who continue to use you to this day in order to justify their shitty actions. Fuck respecting you. Fuck me for being duped by a shitty religion and fuck me for bringing a wonderful innocent child into this world only to go through so much undue suffering at the hands of adults. Will this end? Above all, for him, but perhaps also for me? I will do anything to be part of his life, but will I watch him suffer in order to do so? Can I really claim to love him if I’m okay with watching him cry through a phone screen just for taking a call with me? Is then attempting to continue to spend time with him or build a relationship with him just me being selfish? I feel so confused, hurt, and sad, and above all worried for him. I don’t want him to hurt. I want him to be happy, loved, and cared for. How do I reconcile all of this?